2010-01-19
2010-01-06
2010-01-02
All or nothing
What am I to do? Whenever I even begin to think about writing, I am immediately felled by one of two problems (in my head, of course). I either have 'nothing meaningful' to write about, or a violent mob of 'very meaningful' thoughts that I feel I have to apply some thought to in order to do justice by them!
But I've opened the page on the browser now, so maybe I can say something. In fact, maybe I should make this page my homepage so that every time I open my browser it invites me in - "wanna play again?" What's that from? A video game?
So. I just looked back at some past posts and to see how little I have said. I split with K. I'm 'in therapy' - since about two years ago. After I split from K I became depressed. Well actually I suppose I was already depressed but I became ready to admit it. I became suicidal. I'm not sure I could have ever gone through with anything, but I certainly put myself into danger a few times. Driving fast. Driving recklessly. Walking in bad weather, with bad ideas. Staring over the parapets of bridges. Standing to close to the edge of platform when the train arrives. I have to admit that it always felt a little melodramatic. Like I was watching myself do it, and thinking 'drama queen'. Enough. For now. Kids want to watch a film :)
But I've opened the page on the browser now, so maybe I can say something. In fact, maybe I should make this page my homepage so that every time I open my browser it invites me in - "wanna play again?" What's that from? A video game?
So. I just looked back at some past posts and to see how little I have said. I split with K. I'm 'in therapy' - since about two years ago. After I split from K I became depressed. Well actually I suppose I was already depressed but I became ready to admit it. I became suicidal. I'm not sure I could have ever gone through with anything, but I certainly put myself into danger a few times. Driving fast. Driving recklessly. Walking in bad weather, with bad ideas. Staring over the parapets of bridges. Standing to close to the edge of platform when the train arrives. I have to admit that it always felt a little melodramatic. Like I was watching myself do it, and thinking 'drama queen'. Enough. For now. Kids want to watch a film :)
2009-12-17
So much to say
Yeah, so much to say. I sit at work and think of what I would like to write, but of course I can't write at work. I suppose that makes it easier to think about, because I know there's no possibility of actually having to do it! So why tonight? Don't know.
Maybe because I just watched a film that moved my and I'm drinking vodka and orange. The film was 'Incendiary'. I wasn't watching it for any particular reason. Background noise for an evening of putting clothes away and looking for receipts. Didn't warm to any of the characters much. Until Ewen McGregor's character gives the woman a bag with the cuddly rabbit of her dead son. Moved me somehow. And again when she starts to believe her son is with her in their flat. Looked the film up afterwards to find it was almost universally panned by the critics.
Much more to say, but ran out of steam.
Maybe because I just watched a film that moved my and I'm drinking vodka and orange. The film was 'Incendiary'. I wasn't watching it for any particular reason. Background noise for an evening of putting clothes away and looking for receipts. Didn't warm to any of the characters much. Until Ewen McGregor's character gives the woman a bag with the cuddly rabbit of her dead son. Moved me somehow. And again when she starts to believe her son is with her in their flat. Looked the film up afterwards to find it was almost universally panned by the critics.
Much more to say, but ran out of steam.
2009-12-07
The problem with such infrequent postings ...
... is that when I come to post again, it's hard to know where to start. When I last posted, it was after a period of optimism. But it didn't last. K and I separated on 19th October 2008, teh day after my birthday. We were two weeks short of being together for 24 years. That was over a year ago now, and a lot of water has passed under the bridge. I'm going to try and sort all of that out in my head and put some of it down here. But it's late, and I'm going to have to trust that this time it will be less than a year until my next post!
2008-04-10
2007
I started with best of intentions, but it's well over a year since my last post. Lots of stuff has happened, and there's no way I could possibly capture it all. Why try and start again at all? Well, to give a potted history, K finally went to the doctor's and was diagnosed with depression. She's also receiving counselling. So am I. My cousellor, R, thinks it would help me to write things down, and this has given me the impetus to log in again. So here goes.
2007 was pretty horrible. As well as all of the relationship stuff, it was also a tough year at work. I won't bore myself with the details but 'CE' should be enough to remind myself of the horror!
If that weren't enough, my nagging neck and shoulder pains were diagnosed as being due to a "misplaced vertebrae" in my neck. The bones are pushing out the disk material which inpinges on nerves that run through my shoulders, down my arms and into my hands. I get weird aches, pains, pins and needles, numbness, coldness and occasionally, twitches.
But that's not all! I also have osteo-arthritis! This apparently accounts for the swelling, stiffness and pain in the joints of my little fingers, some of the pains in my hands, and the pain I occasionally get in my left foot.
I've been on various medications - Diclofenac (laterly as Voltarol), Paracetamol (now Cocodamol), and been attending physiotherapy sessions at St Luke's in Bradford. It's a bit depressing to have something that is so associated with old age, but Mum says that she started with arthritis when she was not much older than me, so I guess it's not a total surprise.
Over the last year I've been getting a lot more exercise, mainly due to using public transport to get to and from work. It's certainly had an effect, I can take on any peak in the Dales you care to mention, without really feeling any adverse effects the next day. I've actually put on weight however, and have crept back up to ~15st, and so have recently embarked on a diet. The plan is to keep up the exercise, eat less (possibly avoiding carbs) and see how it goes.
That's enough for now. Will try to write at least once a week. How hard could it be?
2007 was pretty horrible. As well as all of the relationship stuff, it was also a tough year at work. I won't bore myself with the details but 'CE' should be enough to remind myself of the horror!
If that weren't enough, my nagging neck and shoulder pains were diagnosed as being due to a "misplaced vertebrae" in my neck. The bones are pushing out the disk material which inpinges on nerves that run through my shoulders, down my arms and into my hands. I get weird aches, pains, pins and needles, numbness, coldness and occasionally, twitches.
But that's not all! I also have osteo-arthritis! This apparently accounts for the swelling, stiffness and pain in the joints of my little fingers, some of the pains in my hands, and the pain I occasionally get in my left foot.
I've been on various medications - Diclofenac (laterly as Voltarol), Paracetamol (now Cocodamol), and been attending physiotherapy sessions at St Luke's in Bradford. It's a bit depressing to have something that is so associated with old age, but Mum says that she started with arthritis when she was not much older than me, so I guess it's not a total surprise.
Over the last year I've been getting a lot more exercise, mainly due to using public transport to get to and from work. It's certainly had an effect, I can take on any peak in the Dales you care to mention, without really feeling any adverse effects the next day. I've actually put on weight however, and have crept back up to ~15st, and so have recently embarked on a diet. The plan is to keep up the exercise, eat less (possibly avoiding carbs) and see how it goes.
That's enough for now. Will try to write at least once a week. How hard could it be?
2007-01-11
An early lapse
It's a week and a half since I posted - why so reluctant? On New Year's Eve my friend PG came around. We only see each other about once or twice a year since he moved to Dublin, so it was nice to see him.
After he had gone, K. and I had another argument. We were both drunk, and both said things that upset the other and, until yesterday, haven't really been on speaking terms. After that it was straight back to work, and I've been very busy ever since. Had lots of work to do to get product ready for CES, the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas that has been taking place this week, and it meant working some vetry late nights.
All of which sounds like excuses and it's just not good enough! How I feel about things like the argument is what I'm meant to be writing about! It's very peculiar. Now that I'm actually writing, I feel fine, but working up to actually starting fills me with dread!
We had another discusion come argument on Tuesday night. I found another small bottle of wine hidden behind some cushions on the dining room sofa, and I asked her straight out why she was doing that. That got me an accusation of "snooping around the house checking up on me", which in this particular instance was true, but I found the first bottle because it was badly hidden, not because I was snooping. She seemed pretty upset that I knew what was going on, and clearly didn't remember that I had told her that I had found hidden bottles during a previous argument.
She complained that I had lots of people to talk to and that she had no-one. It's probably true that I have talked to more people, but not in any great depth. Eventually, we worked our way around to the fact that she promised to discuss our financial situation back in October, when S. brought her home. This has yet to happen, and when I mentioned how long it had been, and that she had promised S. she said that I should never have got him involved in the first place. Well, fiad enough, I don't really like involving him, but he seemed like a neutral party that we both know, and after all it was her that involved him by going round there in the first place! after that, the discussion was in danger of descending into a full-blown argument, so I left it at that. It's so hard for her to understand that I really do care. I've clearly made things worse over xmas be trying to be more affectionate. She just doesn't want that.
On Wednesday I bought her some flowers on the way home from work, just to try and show I do care. Anyway, we're talking again, but it's all very strained, and really, we have made no progress whatsoever.
After he had gone, K. and I had another argument. We were both drunk, and both said things that upset the other and, until yesterday, haven't really been on speaking terms. After that it was straight back to work, and I've been very busy ever since. Had lots of work to do to get product ready for CES, the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas that has been taking place this week, and it meant working some vetry late nights.
All of which sounds like excuses and it's just not good enough! How I feel about things like the argument is what I'm meant to be writing about! It's very peculiar. Now that I'm actually writing, I feel fine, but working up to actually starting fills me with dread!
We had another discusion come argument on Tuesday night. I found another small bottle of wine hidden behind some cushions on the dining room sofa, and I asked her straight out why she was doing that. That got me an accusation of "snooping around the house checking up on me", which in this particular instance was true, but I found the first bottle because it was badly hidden, not because I was snooping. She seemed pretty upset that I knew what was going on, and clearly didn't remember that I had told her that I had found hidden bottles during a previous argument.
She complained that I had lots of people to talk to and that she had no-one. It's probably true that I have talked to more people, but not in any great depth. Eventually, we worked our way around to the fact that she promised to discuss our financial situation back in October, when S. brought her home. This has yet to happen, and when I mentioned how long it had been, and that she had promised S. she said that I should never have got him involved in the first place. Well, fiad enough, I don't really like involving him, but he seemed like a neutral party that we both know, and after all it was her that involved him by going round there in the first place! after that, the discussion was in danger of descending into a full-blown argument, so I left it at that. It's so hard for her to understand that I really do care. I've clearly made things worse over xmas be trying to be more affectionate. She just doesn't want that.
On Wednesday I bought her some flowers on the way home from work, just to try and show I do care. Anyway, we're talking again, but it's all very strained, and really, we have made no progress whatsoever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)